Dreamed 5/20/1996 by Chris Wayan
I know I want something, but I'm not sure what. So I talk a walk to sort out my feelings, and in the park, I run into a friend who's always been a bit of a mentor for me. She's an older woman, not human--a squid-woman. I always call her My Aunt Squid. She glides along on her tentacle-feet. She has a very nice human voice, but its origin is from something she does with her tentacles, so all her sensible advice comes up from her feet.
I've never quite gotten used to that.
Aunt Squid says "I have a message for you. You should go visit your friends in that big lesbian cooperative."
So I do. And my friend says "Hey, do you want to live here? A room's opened up."
"I thought your co-op only allowed lesbians and trannies."
"Well, but we like you. Just declare yourself a lesbian. Or a straight man or whatever--it's all the same to us, really. But whatever term you choose, your body will follow!"
"I'll become what I call myself?"
"Duh! It's up to you. It always was."
The rent is great, and I like them, so I move in.
Even before I start to change, they encourage me to touch women I like, AS a woman. Have to drop all my notions about how men act, and just notice how I feel--how I act. So I wander the complex. Find I can't stop thinking happily "This is home. This is where I belong." Guess I was right to move in!
In the atrium, a sunroom full of ferns and black rocks, I find two girls nude sunbathing together on a futon. Instead of assuming they're a couple and leaving them their privacy, as I would've when I was a guy, I really look at them. Not at their bodies--their souls! And see they welcome me. I break into a smile, and flop down by them, and start petting them both. Not the way a man would, I think. I'm scratching their heads and poking them in certain lower-back points, where the qi just feels right. They roll on top of me and kiss me, laughing. I feel truly wanted for the first time in my life. Ecstasy!
And I don't mean the pill.
I wake up feeling wonderfully turned on--and knowing I've really accepted myself at last.
As a lesboy.
The first picture is pencil, tinted and tweaked digitally; the second is a collage of a crayon life-drawing and two photographs, that I drew on top of til I got a unified texture.
Here's the original life-sketch, to compare how waking and dreaming eyes see the same thing. (enlarge)
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