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Not Love, but Not Abuse

Dreamed 1996/6/6 by Chris Wayan

I'm a student at San Francisco State. I develop a serious crush on a beautiful classmate with big eyes and black hair. Kind of an ingenue--emotional, sweet. She's attracted to me too! We flirt shyly in classes, hold hands in the cafeteria, kiss on the lawn. Bodies feel utterly right together, no trace of my usual tension and fear. Whenever we kiss, it feels overwhelming, I get dizzy.

At one point a male friend asks Ingenue "how far have you gone?" "We've kissed." "Is that all?" She leans over to him and says "We kiss like THIS." And kisses him long and deep, pouring all her intensity into it. Can see his shock--and instant erection. When she lets go at last he gasps and gulps "THAT far?"

Oddly, I don't feel jealous. How could I, when I'm strongly attracted to her best girl friend? Confuses me. PLUS I'm dating this thirty-something teacher who works here. Attracted to her body/aura less overwhelmingly than to Ingenue, but I think that's because she's brilliant--I don't have to think about what I say, she can follow my manic brain, where I must slow down and explain some things to Ingenue.

Feel uneasy about my roving heart--how many more best friends will lure me astray, ruin a good thing? Why can't I decide who I really want?

But then a little voice inside says "Your reluctance is just good sense. This isn't love! Not with any of them! It's not the unique PERSON you're attracted to--anyone sexy and kind will do. You're mistaking non-abuse for love--because it feels wonderful after the abuse you're used to!"

True--even with Ingenue, I'm so overwhelmed by relief I can be myself with her. I hardly know HER beyond the overwhelming fact she doesn't scream at me or throw things or chase me with a knife. Of course I feel confused and uncommitted! Get used to non-abuse before even asking about love!

And then wake in bed... alone.



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