Our sex workshop leader's a woman I've known a while and been attracted to. Short, delicate, white, dark blonde. She looks and feels just like ballerina Gelsey Kirkland--a forceful, fastidious spirit in a feline body. Is she Gelsey? I can see why she might want to keep her two professional careers separate...

She has us all strip naked immediately. "Might as well get used to it right away."

Gelsey asks me to help demonstrate a sexual position. Lies on her stomach, head propped on elbows so she can go on telling class about pros and cons of dog-style sex. I'm instantly turned on. Lie on top of her, thrust into her excitedly. She grips me inside with firm muscles and in only a minute or two I come intensely. Not love, not even playful or very sensual--businesslike--but I feel so satisfied. Not a scrap of shyness or fear with her! I don't get sick from tension--I've lost my sexual timidity! Other issues may remain, but not that.

Plus, now I know what she's like inside--strong. I can let go with her--she's not fragile. Dance will do that.

Later, she picks me for a second demo on cunnilingus. I'm eager but as I lick her all over I feel ignorant--am I really pleasing her as much as I'm enjoying myself?

She tells the class, "Some men are reluctant, but Chris obviously likes this, finds it exciting." True! But what surprises me is how much hearing her say it gets me even hotter. Openness alone?

I ask Gelsey "Tell me what you like."

She laughs "Oh, you bet I will."

Much later, I do a third demo with a teaching assistant, a tall plump girl with big breasts. She's demonstrating this technique because it's for girls with sensitive breasts (or breast-obsessed lovers!) We get in position for 69, but she slides me down so I'm kissing her thighs and my cock slides between her breasts. She squeezes them together and I start rocking my hips. I'm fucking her breasts. Never even occurred to me before. Of course I'm not very breast-focused, and I mostly know dancers, who tend toward small breasts.

I don't come though--and not because it feels bad. This position brings up some emotional issue--can't name it, but something got triggered. I say so. She says "Yeah, positions emphasizing one body part can do that." No memory surfaces yet...

Meanwhile, all this time, my housemate Alder wallows naked chubby and depressed, in the back of the classroom, gnawing on a big hunk of old cheese! She won't participate--just snack and snipe. She calls "I hope you didn't get any sexually transmitted diseases, doing all those demonstrations without condoms."

It didn't even occur to me. Gelsey the workshop leader knows what she's doing. She certainly picked the one man in class she KNEW had no diseases, because he's been celibate the last few years.

Well, there is one disease here I might catch--Alder's negativity! Is she trying to scare me off from sex, even sex for practice and healing? She's given up on love AND sex, so she discourages me...

I'm gonna have to watch out for that.

WHEN I WOKE

• Sex workshop, baring ourselves = on Third Rock from the Sun, Dick (in drag) joins Mary's women's group, hears intro about "baring true feelings," and kisses Mary. So now the group thinks Mary's gay.
• Gelsey Kirkland teaches = my perfectionism! Last night I dreamed ballerina Gelsey Kirkland (I'd seen her dance on TV; stunningly fluid) said my dancing sucked. But I was subbing, just handed the role with no warning, didn't even know the steps yet. I forgave myself, dismissed her critique. And so tonight, I get her! And find we fit together quite well--with me on top! Just need to ride my perfectionism rather than let her ride ME!
• Guilt dissolves: today I wore a sweater my ex-girlfriend gave me. Felt guilty that I left her but kept her gift! Then I saw an ad in Vogue: a girl in a sweater thinking "the ski instructor faded away three winters ago--but his sweater didn't. Thanks, Woolite." Don't guys have the same right to break up? My guilt faded. Thanks, Woolite...
• Mentor praises me = a group of us are house-hunting, and our realtor, who I see as a mentor, said she wanted me to be her main liaison.
• 2nd demo, oral contact = our house-loan officer says I get the math; she too asked me to be her liaison.
• Oral sex is fun: my ex-girlfriend didn't want my tongue anywhere near her cunt.
• Phobia= I liked a flat we saw today, but Alder (one of our group) freaked out. The dream hints "the place triggered an old memory for her, not foresight of real danger".
• 3rd demo, breasts = am I sure breasts triggered a mystery memory? Might be thighs! I was facing hers, kissing them, after all.
• "Body parts will do that" = more 3rd Rock from the Sun. Dick rubbed Sally's sore feet. She has a volcanic temper--is this a clue that MY issue is also anger?
• Alder sniping = she's older than me, and I've felt she resents younger women and discourages me from dating them.
• Her negativity may be about housing too. That flat today was the best we've seen, and Alder rejected it. She dislikes change and risk. After all, being homeless in America is a lot scarier than public sex.
• ACTION: dismiss Alder's negativity. The non-neurotic mentors in my life all encourage me. Find a house, find a girl. Guilt-free.

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