World Dream Bank home - add a dream - newest - art gallery - sampler - dreams by title, subject, author, date, places, names Figure in green pants with erection, no skin, broken heart, and blushing so fiercely flames halo his head. Across the street, an ottergirl in a tanktop and wrap skirt leans on a Great Auk. Words: 'Auk! Shy again.'

Awk

An undream drawn 1988? by Wayan

This isn't a dream, but a drawing half in trance, trying to express a feeling so strong it made me dizzy.

When I drew Awk, I wasn't really timid. I was confident on a dance floor, or facing a wild bear, or a blank canvas, or a scientific puzzle, or a cliff to climb.

But I was still awkward with people, and I didn't really know why. Throw sex into the mix, and I fell apart, even though I knew others too were stuck with their own pet Awks. I felt as if my body skinned itself and then started in on the organs beneath, as my head flamed like a candle-top.

At the time I thought it was simple shyness, or inexperience with sex and love.

TWENTY YEARS LATER

Now I know it wasn't. It was real incompatibility with the energy of most humans, directly sensed; if I overrode it, I got sick.

Even today, despite time and experience, that flaming awkwardness only fades when I meet others like me. And that's rare.

A MONTH LATER

I just noticed one more factor. Even then, I saw that smawk (sorry, smog) was a factor. Air pollution didn't just tire me or sicken me, it made me more emotionally and socially fragile--unable to handle as much. That's still true. I have full-blown environmental illness--and one of the best things I can do for myself socially is to get strict about dust, toxic foods, pollens, and especially solvents and combustion by-products. Poison feeds the awk. And good physical health starves it. Still a struggle to get out there, but then I have a chance.



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