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Awk

An undream drawn 1988? by Wayan

Figure in green pants with erection, no skin, broken heart, and blushing so fiercely flames halo his head. Across the street, an ottergirl in a tanktop and wrap skirt leans on a Great Auk. Words: 'Auk! Shy again.' Click to enlarge.


This isn't a dream, but a trance-drawing--I was trying to express a feeling so strong it made me dizzy.

When I drew Awk, I wasn't really timid. I was confident on a dance floor, or facing a wild bear, or a blank canvas, or a scientific puzzle, or a cliff to climb.

But I was still awkward with people, and I didn't really know why. Throw sex into the mix, and I fell apart, even though I knew others too were stuck with their own pet Awks. I felt as if my body skinned itself and then started in on the organs beneath, as my head flamed like a candle-top.

At the time I thought it was simple shyness, or inexperience with sex and love.

TWENTY YEARS LATER

Now I know it wasn't. It was real incompatibility with the energy of most humans, directly sensed; if I overrode it, I got sick.

Even today, despite time and experience, that flaming awkwardness only fades when I meet others like me. And that's rare. Even then, going too fast can make me sick. Possibly I should be grateful; I'm high-functioning autistic, and plenty of us can't tolerate touch or intimacy at ALL. With care, patience and someone compatible, I can.

A MONTH LATER

I just noticed one more factor. Even then, I saw that smawk (sorry, smog) was a factor. Air pollution didn't just tire me or sicken me, it made me more emotionally and socially fragile--unable to handle as much.

That's still true. I have full-blown environmental illness--and one of the best things I can do for myself socially is to get strict about dust, toxic foods, pollens, and especially solvents and combustion by-products. Poison worsens my awk. And good physical health shrinks it.

Still a struggle to get out there, but if I'm not poisoning myself, I have a chance.


LISTS AND LINKS: love - shyness - auras - autism - otters - birds - dream puns - relationship advice - environmental illness - felt pen art - tales of the waking world

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