An undream drawn 1988? by Wayan
This isn't a dream, but a drawing half in trance, trying to express a feeling so strong it made me dizzy.
When I drew Awk, I wasn't really timid. I was confident on a dance floor, or facing a wild bear, or a blank canvas, or a scientific puzzle, or a cliff to climb.
But I was still awkward with people, and I didn't really know why. Throw sex into the mix, and I fell apart, even though I knew others too were stuck with their own pet Awks. I felt as if my body skinned itself and then started in on the organs beneath, as my head flamed like a candle-top.
At the time I thought it was simple shyness, or inexperience with sex and love.
TWENTY YEARS LATER
Now I know it wasn't. It was real incompatibility with the energy of most humans, directly sensed; if I overrode it, I got sick.
Even today, despite time and experience, that flaming awkwardness only fades when I meet others like me. And that's rare. Even then, going too fast can make me sick. Possibly I should be grateful; I'm high-functioning autistic, and plenty of us can't tolerate touch or intimacy at ALL. With care, patience and someone compatible, I can.
A MONTH LATER
I just noticed one more factor. Even then, I saw that smawk (sorry, smog) was a factor. Air pollution didn't just tire me or sicken me, it made me more emotionally and socially fragile--unable to handle as much.
That's still true. I have full-blown environmental illness--and one of the best things I can do for myself socially is to get strict about dust, toxic foods, pollens, and especially solvents and combustion by-products. Poison worsens my awk. And good physical health shrinks it.
Still a struggle to get out there, but if I'm not poisoning myself, I have a chance.
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