Dream 1: ANORGASMIA

I set out to start dating. Go to bars, clubs, get leads from friends. Three or four dates with women from various cultures. No trouble finding attractive women. No trouble getting dates, either. Or getting naked with them.

So why do all the dates end in frustration? Every single time, either I can't come, or she can't, or both! Incompatible? Inhibited? I don't know what causes this, but it's maddening.

The most recent date ends under a mesh knit blanket in a park, tall girl lying on her stomach by me, her fingers up her cunt, masturbating patiently, still trying to come. And she just can't. I've given up trying to help. Something's seriously wrong here and effort won't fix it. I want to know what's causing this!

Dream 2: COLD-SHOWER CONSCIOUS

Now I'm at a street fair, dancing to a band. Meet and dance with two Asian sisters, one only thirteen or so, a bit shy but nice, one older and playful, uninihibited--she's in a tank top and nothing else! She has long dancer's legs and a sexy ass, especially when it's naked... I'm excited, willing to try one more time...

And then suddenly wake, with an erection, and instantly, waking consciousness slaps me like a pail of cold water: "No hope, it'll never happen, it won't work out..."

And I feel all sexual excitement, all sexual hope, drain away within seconds!

NOTES IN THE MORNING

Today I read a list of effects of sexual abuse. Lack of orgasm is common. The authors are clearly writing almost exclusively for female readers, but apparently anorgasmia is quite possible for abused men too.

I've healed some, sexually. No longer assume I'm ugly or unworthy, so I CAN date and get sexual. But I'm tense and nervous, and sex is still more work than fun, and sometimes even hurts. Is this a last-ditch resistance, now that the other problems are healed? What if they were protections--emergency brakes, not disabilities?

The second dream confirms the first. This abrupt dousing of all sexuality is psychological not physical, and it MEANS something!

• Younger dancer at the fair = from an earlier dream of a Cambodian refugee girl forced into prostitution: an abused part still scared that any social error, like getting flirty, leads to the killing fields. She's clearly recovered a lot!
• Older dancer = Silky, my anima, more openly playful and sexual; her struggle's mostly just to be assertive.

And then wonder why I'm not having fun!

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