I'm in a ballet class, in an oval room with tall arched windows. Like the top of Coit Tower stretched from round to oval, glassed in, with a wood floor. A beautiful but eerie eyrie--it's like dancing inside my own skull.

Our teacher, Luana Silverberg-Willis, is showing us a long dance sequence we have to perform in a few minutes. Supposed to know it already, but I know only the core of it; the long sweeping glides and runs of the introduction, I've never even SEEN. I don't understand how; I missed only one class and was here last week. And I do know all the long difficult parts after the intro. How could I have missed this easy part?

My classmate Betsy shows me the intro. I follow her across the floor... appreciate her kindness. I'm a bit attracted to her too.

The teacher and I close the blinds. Is darkness needed for the performance? The room is hot and close, though, with the blinds shut. One big fan blows air in, but it's warm air too. Not sure how to cool the room.

I look up to find Betsy and all the rest have slipped outside! Only Luana is left, and she's packing up. Now we're performing outside? Things keep changing here!

I start out of the building--the exit is down a long hall. No wind, yet I feel a force pushing me back. I weigh little, and the no-wind easily blocks me. I cling to the wall and CLIMB the hall as if it's a steep slope, bracing myself on columns, using cracks for traction against the force of... nothing at all. Soon I'm so exhausted I start crying with frustration. So little progress!

I can't get out. Some force WILL NOT let me perform.

I realize this has happened before; it's me. Some side of me with great psychic power is sabotaging me. "If only I could get this part on my side!" I think. "It's so powerful..."

Then a counterthought. "Doesn't want me to perform? Wait, don't jump to conclusions! It's only blocking THIS dance! It may not mind other dances, or music, or acting, or storytelling..."

And I wake, wondering--just whose thought was that?

NOTES

• Dance = the dance of intimacy. Flirting, dating, love.
• I know the difficult core, but not the easy introduction = I'm not afraid of intimacy, but of small talk! I sustain deep friendships well, but I'm shy, literally don't know the art of "introduction."
• Only PUBLIC performance is blocked = I've always been shy about admitting I'm attracted to anyone. Makes dating pretty hard! The only times in my life I've had girlfriends is when someone I like chases me--I just can't come on to anyone directly. I've improved--now I'll admit my feelings to myself, at least, and even (with effort, sometimes) to my friends... but I still can't act on them.
• Other ways of expression may be OK = I was battered, and it still affects me some. This particular stage in my healing seems to allow me to feel things privately, but doesn't want me going public yet. But I shouldn't over-generalize! More may be allowed than I realize.

  And I won't know till I try.

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