I'm on a traveling sports team. All my teammates are women, mostly in their twenties--and every one is beautiful. I felt shy with them at first but I'm slowly learning to relax, even as the only boy on the team.

We reach an old motel or rural hotel or big house, and rent the whole thing. Race in and rush around exploring all the rooms, to decide what space each of us likes best, and claim it. I don't like being hurried. Ambivalent about quickly claiming a room, because those who don't get a private one may end up sharing, three to a bedroom--which gives me mixed feelings. Excited at the sexual possibilities, worried I might feel guilty and inhibited, and under these adolescent issues, a child's innocent pleasure in living with friends and sisters, instead of alone as I did before this. I don't feel safe with men; around women, I relax.

But this wars with my artist's need for space and dreamer's need for privacy. And one more need: to flirt and come on and date and find a girlfriend deliberately, by my own actions. I want the power to ask for sex and say yes or no, more than I want a girlfriend! Dating and intimacy SKILLS, not dumb luck. Joining a girlheap is just too easy, it won't teach me choice. Like many women, it's hard for me to directly ask for sex--to choose.

I wake amazed at my own rejection of just what I thought I wanted--a warm, sexy sea of belonging. But that ISN'T what I want.

NOTE

Our girlheap = today, in sculpture, my classmate Christina teased me: "I share a flat with two other girls. We all share one bed...." Later, voice class was canceled but sexy Dana and I ran into each other and sang and talked an hour. Then Sally semi-invited me to drop in on her ceramics class. But I never took any initiative--didn't flirt back really, hid how much I liked them, certainly didn't ask any of them out...

Dream spells it out: what I seek ISN'T sex per se, but open acknowledgment of my sexual feelings and active choice based on my feelings! Day to day I'm not aware of that--just feel a longing.

So at first the girlheap felt like paradise.

At first.

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