A girl is crying. I'm distressed, because I feel I mustn't touch her--though I want to. She wants comfort, but I'm attracted to her, so my touch would be mixed. I hover, shy...

Another woman intervenes, breaks through the wall. No, no, not a psychological barrier, a WALL! Crash, rip, plaster dust all over... She reaches the girl, brushes off the rubble, holds her, comforts her. I feel envy.

Later I walk and talk with this woman, a tallish blonde with a long face that teeters (depending how I look) between forgettable if I'm looking emotionally (because she's mild, quiet, shy, wants to be invisible?) and very beautiful, if I look physically OR spiritually. Her body is unambiguous--natural, graceful, sexy.

I gradually feel more and more impressed with her as we talk--she leads an organization healing people with touch. Perceptive too: she picks up my growing awe and says quietly "Wayan--I'm comfortable with touch now, so sex and intimacy are potential pleasures, not threats... But I wasn't always that way. I used to weigh FIVE HUNDRED POUNDS."

And her body's beauty looks so unforced, not starved not fat--one of the few people I'd NEVER guess had faced a serious eating disorder.

Shock goes thru me as I think "If she can lose 400 pounds and become so sexy, then I can gain TWENTY and become sexy! It CAN be done. You CAN beat the programming to be anorexic, asexual. That's why she WAS 500 lbs--to keep sex away!"

IN THE MORNING

I'm severely underweight, due mostly to food allergies I'm struggling to figure out, but also to a real reluctance to eat, and a distorted body image that sees everyone as too fat, me included. Of course, there's a shorter, uglier word for that syndrome--anorexia. I've been researching it, and there's little doubt I'm a subclinical case--never so starved I end up in the hospital, but always underweight--cold, fragile, weak, prone to infections.

So a few days ago I went to see the film PORTRAITS OF ANOREXIA. I was disappointed. It was about us, but didn't let us speak for ourselves. It treated everything psychologically, ignoring:

• allergies
• nutrition
• metabolism
• exercise
• sex
• body image
• politics...

Anyway, I think my dream was my counter-explanation for my own anorexia. Not just a psychological wall, but physical. But there IS a psychological component--I'm trying to keep myself unsexy, so I won't have to face the heartbreak I assume is waiting for me...

And the dream says food allergies and brainwashing both can be cured--but I have to do it. Not a doctor or shrink. Me. Over the long haul.

Like any girl setting out to lose four hundred pounds.

YEARS LATER (2019)

Doctors told me my gut and pelvic pains were probably "depression." I tried medication. Nothing. Doctors said I tested negative for food allergies. I tested that myself. Fasted, added just one ingredient at a time. I was SEVERELY allergic to wheat and oats. I could turn that pain on & off like a light! On a gluten-free diet I gained a little weight and a LOT of energy.

I still got recurring headaches and flu-ish fevers. Doctors dismissed that too. I thought it was a persistent infection, talked one doc into trying long-term antibiotics, and again I improved sharply.

Since then, I've been controlling my remaining symptoms with diet and herbs. Highest weight and energy levels ever.

I have no health coverage. But then, I made this chart of my lifetime health--have doctors ever helped me at all?

Maybe you see it. Not me. I see ZERO correlation between doctors and health. If anything, I do better without them.

And it's not just me. After two centuries when American lifespans lengthened every single year, in 2015 that reversed. Four years of straight decline now. It's clear why. Opioid addiction--pushed by doctors, who uncritically trusted drug-company promises they weren't addictive. Oops. And a million people die.

Manage your own health. At least your malpractice is FREE.

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