I LOST 400 POUNDS!
Dreamed 1993/6/24 by Chris Wayan
A girl is crying. I'm distressed, because I feel I mustn't touch her--though I want to. She wants comfort, but I'm attracted to her, so my touch would be mixed. I hover, shy...
Another woman intervenes, breaks through the wall. No, no, not a psychological barrier, a WALL! Crash, rip, plaster dust all over... She reaches the girl, brushes off the rubble, holds her, comforts her. I feel envy.
Later I walk and talk with this woman, a tallish blonde with a long face that teeters (depending how I look) between forgettable if I'm looking emotionally (because she's mild, quiet, shy, wants to be invisible?) and very beautiful, if I look physically OR spiritually. Her body is unambiguous--natural, graceful, sexy.
I gradually feel more and more impressed with her as we talk--she leads an organization healing people with touch. Perceptive too: she picks up my growing awe and says quietly "Wayan--I'm comfortable with touch now, so sex and intimacy are potential pleasures, not threats... But I wasn't always that way. I used to weigh FIVE HUNDRED POUNDS."
And her body's beauty looks so unforced, not starved not fat--one of the few people I'd NEVER guess had faced a serious eating disorder.
Shock goes thru me as I think "If she can lose 400 pounds and become so sexy, then I can gain TWENTY and become sexy! It CAN be done. You CAN beat the programming to be anorexic, asexual. That's why she WAS 500 lbs--to keep sex away!"
IN THE MORNING
I'm severely underweight, due mostly to food allergies I'm struggling to figure out, but also to a real reluctance to eat, and a distorted body image that sees everyone as too fat, me included. Of course, there's a shorter, uglier word for that syndrome--anorexia. I've been researching it, and there's little doubt I'm a subclinical case--never so starved I end up in the hospital, but always underweight--cold, fragile, weak, prone to infections.
So a few days ago I went to see the film PORTRAITS OF ANOREXIA. I was disappointed. It was about us, but didn't let us speak for ourselves. It treated everything psychologically, ignoring:
Anyway, I think my dream was my counter-explanation for my own anorexia. Not just a psychological wall, but physical. But there IS a psychological component--I'm trying to keep myself unsexy, so I won't have to face the heartbreak I assume is waiting for me...
And the dream says food allergies and brainwashing both can be cured--but I have to do it. Not a doctor or shrink. Me. Over the long haul.
Like any girl setting out to lose four hundred pounds.
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