I find I'm walking up a hill, in a suburban alley with rough wooden fences. Feels like the scruffy neighborhoods around Balboa Park in San Diego, but I can't see far enough to be sure.

As I walk, I'm praying quietly, to Aphrodite, the Goddess of Love. "Please send me a girlfriend. I want love."

Then rethink it! After all, I'll just run away from anyone I like... too scared I'll get sick like the last time and the time before... So I re-pray it: "Aphrodite, make me able to love."

I feel another hesitation, and examine THAT. My housemate Alder pointed out I'm quite loving in nonsexual friendships, and able to work through problems with housemates and friends and classmates... it's only sex I panic at. With good reason, given my history.

So again I change my prayer: "Venus, make me able to have healthy sex." Ashamed--it sounds so whiny and unromantic. But accurate! If I'm gonna be reduced to begging I should beg for the right things.

I'm as hungry to give pleasure as get it, but can't do either one if I'm scared I'll get sick from it. And I always have been scared. With my fragile health, the sheer excitement of sexual relationships is stressful--wears me out till I get a relapse. Can Aphrodite change that?

More to the point, will she? It's so mundane. Anti-romantic. But it's real. Like praying for scrambled eggs, not love or wisdom...

But as noted pervert Woody Allen pointed out... "we really need the eggs."

NOTE

The hill in San Diego... I lived there years ago, with my ex-girlfriend Kay, who was gifted but abusive. When we lived on that hill, my dreams started warning me I HAD to leave her, if I wanted to live. I haven't walked on that hill in waking life in twenty years.

The hill of, the hill of... facing facts.

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