I'm on an archeological expedition in the Nile Delta. Well, really it's more of a treasure hunt--we're all out for profit. Greedy, in fact. I don't trust my friends--two sisters I call the Pirate Twins, and an Egyptian scholar-guide with a slithery reputation. I like the twins, in fact one is my lover, but even she loves intrigue more than me. I guess that's part of the lure--they're never dull.

I suppose we deserve each other.

We find the treasure and bring it part way back. The twins are plotting to steal it together, cutting us out, as usual, and each of them has a private plan to trick the other, as usual--when CLUNK! Our little Nile-boat goes aground. I drag it up on the sandbar and find one of the wagonwheels (all boats have wheels, of course) has been BITTEN--it's nearly off at the axle! A really big shark or croc did it--the Delta water's so muddy it's perfectly safe to come right up to the boat, below the waterline and gnaw away.

But who paid the croc to sabotage us? The Egyptian, I bet. Who else would have the local connections?

When the Twins and I look up from the splintered axle, our partner's gone--with the treasure. The twins are both disgusted and amused: they helped plan this, to cut me out, but the Egyptian double-crossed them.

So we fly back home. Home is their millionaire daddy's mansion, or to be exact, their huge shared attic bedroom, which they've jammed with expedition gear, the entire crew, a crowd of servants, and (in bed with them) their latest teenage boyfriends. I've been dumped again. Not the first time! I'm confident I'll win her back, I have before. Because I'm the only boy who can really match her deviousness.

I start my campaign--say cheerfully "I have proof of your complicity in the axle trick, and my lawyer's filing suit against you now for my share of the treasure, so unless you want to anger daddy with big bills you better help me steal the treasure BACK from that double-crossing Egyptian so we have some profits to share!"

Really my purpose is more to shift my role from "victim" to "co-conspirator"--once I'm working with them, I'll win back my pirate twin. The treasure's just the ribbon on the prize.

They think that over, though they don't trust each other--each recently uncovered the other's plan to run off with the whole treasure alone. But they're leaning toward a three-partner campaign against the Egyptian.

Then Daddy walks up the stairs. A lookout maid give a three-second warning. Instant chaos! The servants whirl into formality, the Egyptologists hide in trunks, the sailors climb the rafters. As Daddy enters, the girls are each in their childhood bed, in matching white pajamas with little hearts or flowerbuds, each with her own toy-boy also in matching jammies, to show Daddy enough innocent decadence so he won't look too hard at their other doings. He doesn't--walks around, peering up, peering down, looking every hiding sailor and stiff servant in the eye. They cringe and the crowd melts out of the room.

All but me. I simply bow and stay.

I decide it's time to tweak them, and re-establish my partnership firmly. So I "casually" mention the expedition and the theft in Daddy's hearing: "Remember, only together can we catch that--that PIRATE. No stealing from each other this time." Father blinks. I can see him thinking "He knows what they're like, yet he still likes them--firm with them--good."

While I distract him and make points shamelessly, the girls see their chance and sneak in the bathroom and out the window. We're on the top floor but I know they can slide down the drainpipe in seconds, they learned that by ten. I yell "They're getting out!" and proceed to organize the chase as if I have the right to. Because I'm so forceful and quick--though intentionally not QUITE quick enough to catch them--the servants obey.

I'll meet up with them later. But for now, the normal state of this house is restored.

The state of chaos.

NOTES IN THE MORNING

• Egypt = My housemate Alder's reading a mystery set in Egypt, with an Indiana Jones-type hero, Amanda Peabody?
• Chomped wheel/axle = my foot's been sore.
• Underwater saboteur = not out to eat me but to distract me while it pulls some scam! So was my foot-injury accidentally-on-purpose, to distract me? From what?
• Croc = my friend Zooop wants to read me a Russian story she liked as a kid, starring a "krokodil"...
• Pirate Twins =
  1. Thomas Dolby's song Europa and the Pirate Twins. As kids, he and a girl played pirates, but he just saw her face on a magazine cover--now she's famous, inaccessable.
  2. Arthur Ransome's Swallows and Amazons books made a big impression on me as kid. Nancy and Peggy acted respectable around adults, but behind their backs, they were anarchic tomboy pirates. Role models?
  3. Tootsie! Dustin Hoffman's transvestite scam--in bed with Jessica Lange in her daddy's house, as she talks of her childhood, mom, flowered wallpaper...
• Daddy's girls = saw a singles ad in the Bay Guardian--a girl wanting another girl to play Daddy.
• Sneaky sisters = a family reunion's coming up. A second dream last night was set there. Are my real sisters sneakier than I recall?

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