THAT DAY

My sister Miriel calls. She's a doctor of traditional Chinese medicine, so I ask her about Chinese herbs I could take for this recurring mystery fever I get. She gets mad at me just for asking, says "You obsess on illness, making it worse. Just get on with your life."

Tried that for a decade. Failed. I hurt. I NEED to focus on health to get better. Nor is my 'obsession' that costly in effort, money or time. Illness is what costs me.

Well, I asked. And got no help. Do my own research!

Dream 1: "QUIT INDULGING THE SICKENER"

I'm on my bed. Every surface in the room is covered with dream-art, as if I'm looking through all of it. A short slender woman climbs on my bed to read a small dream-painting on the coverlet. It explores how worry and paranoia sicken me from stress. She says "True, but you'll never get well till you quit indulging the sickening part." She gestures around the room, and I realize she either considers all my art illness-obsessed, or merely DOING art a sick process!

Hm. I didn't think I focused much on illness much. Out of dozens of artworks, I see only one more even mentioning it. Now sex-obsessed, maybe; dream-obsessed? Definitely! But the art she's waving at just isn't very concerned with illness. Unless she means that simply doing art is inherently unhealthy. I'm careful to avoid toxic materials, so I don't buy that either.

The only sickening process I see here is her snap judgments.

• Indulging the sickening part: I think my art's pretty positive; I'm not quitting just because she doesn't like it. If I'm indulging some attitude making me sick, it's something else, and she didn't clarify what. Explicit dream advice is encouraging, a sign my dreams are paying attention, but I'm not getting the message here. Indulging it HOW?
• ACTION 1: Be skeptical about Miriel's feedback. Just asking about herbs isn't obsessing on illness or indulging my sick side. Her touchiness shows it's a family thing--we were taught to ignore illness.
• ACTION 2: Keep asking dreams to clarify; try not to get mad or jump to conclusions. The dream-critic gestured, but didn't SAY it was art. Plenty of people do art and stay well!

I paddle my dugout canoe north along the beach. Not across the cove, on the beach. My canoe glides along wet sand, paddle-less. I sit quietly. Don't know what makes it glide, but we do a steady 8-10 kph (5-7 mph). Along one cove-beach, through a sandy defile between boulders on its north point, into a bigger cove. The bluffs above are all dry golden grass and scattered oaks. No road, no homes. A preserve, or an isolated ranch?

I look for creeks. None. Ah! Low, curved stone walls that may be a well, and then a hanging valley with a tiny pond--barely bigger than a puddle.

A third cove, wetter. Here, in one hanging valley, spot a hidden waterfall. I like this cove! If I had to live in one, this'd be it. Though on a crag above, I see a guy with binoculars. Whale-watching, or a spy? I know in the dream there's some intrigue here.

At this cove's north end a cape juts far out. My canoe heads instead up a trail toward a low saddle. But I'm not sure its mysterious motive power will push it uphill on dry sand and over rocks. If it fails, I'll have to drag it back down (and am I strong enough to? Dugouts are HEAVY) and try paddling round the point. Hard without a paddle! Will I need to carve or burn one?

Now wait--I sure lack faith in my magic dugout! And it hasn't even slowed yet.

Trust your canoe, dummy. Trust your canoe.

NOTES IN THE MORNING

• Self-powered canoe heads uphill: dreamwork itself has been helping me--as I follow dream advice, my health HAS been slowly improving.
• Cove after cove till I find a good one: figuring out how to heal myself with no medical coverage involves patient experimentation. In both senses of patient!
• Picture my craft failing: shows me how I sabotage my own magic by worrying it'll fail--actively picturing failure. This may be what the first dream was talking about too. Not making art, but overthinking, overworking, overworrying.
• ACTION 1: Reread my dream Paranoid Habits on WDB. I've been warned before about this!
• ACTION 2: Practice catching such worries BEFORE they exhaust me. Right now I only notice a headache or bellyache, after an hour or more of worry has stressed me out. Check my thoughts, not just my body. Hm. Maybe I could chart daily how much time I worry. Like counting calories or cigarettes, sheer scrutiny may quell the addiction--and it is an addiction.

I didn't chart my worrying, but noticed sooner how I paid for worry, and stopped sooner. I did NOT give up my 'obsession' with health. It led to real improvement. Charted my health daily, testing various diets, herbs and medicines, keeping the best... and despite a residual tendency to worry & overwork, I slowly went from sickest of three siblings to the healthiest. Miriel's struggling; has faced multiple operations.

FINAL NOTE

I had NINE dreams that night, totaling 1200 words. These are just the two I found the most self-explanatory. Because I'm so lazy.

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