That Day

At a bus stop, I notice a poster for a City program to help prostitutes escape pimps. The poster girl says "My pimp handled everything. I had no privacy, no independence. Now I got my OWN room, money, choices." By her unglamorized waiflike face, the poster's meant for girls not long in the life and street kids considering it; someone they can identify with. Not meant for the rest of us.

But I identify strongly. And I feel attracted to her.

That Night

All the homeless girls in town call themselves Antelopes. And why not? They're skittish and alert and need to be--they're potential prey.

But my mom takes this literally. I bring home an Antelope date and my mom just scoffs. "Antelope? Girl, you're not an antelope. How could you grasp anything with antelope hooves? How can you talk with an antelope brain?" She won't budge from literalism.

But maybe my mom is making a point to me. I like this girl a lot. But that's partly because she has a truly antelopian aura. Does that mean she can only see guys as predators, not as other antelopes--as potential mates?

Notes Next Morning

• My dream-mom: was not my real birth mother but her mom--my grandma! She was literal-minded, harshly practical, and made my mom feel unloved. I think that's what Gramma means here. Survival-minded "practicality" that squelches love.

• Antelopes: needy girls--outsiders with survival problems (and, often, trust problems) severe enough to make love difficult. The dream warns I'm still drawn to them--because I understand them. As a fragile kid with Asperger syndrome who got mocked and beat up for being different, I learned to be skittish and slow to trust; and I need a lot of time alone. I'm an antelope; no surprise I like my own kind. I still see myself as prey.

• ACTION: face that I have human resources now, like a problem-solving brain and opposable thumbs. I can change my problems not just flee them. And only when I give up antelope thinking will I be able to sustain love--with antelopes or anyone else.

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