THAT DAY

It's been a confusing week. I went to my friend Gitana's party, and realized how attracted I am to her. But I haven't called, and I'm unsure why. She smokes and I'm allergic, and she's struggling with alcohol too... serious problems there. But she's spiritual, gorgeous, considerate, and we like each other. It's enough to explore!

Isn't it?

And then tonight, my housemate Marianne told that Mimi, who I thought had a boyfriend, is single and asking about me. Marianne encouraged her to ask me out! I think Mimi's attractive, with a nice aura--much safer than Gitana, but... not that bright. When Marianne told me she might call, I felt a slight flash of excitement that turned into unease.

Let's try a little experiment. Pretend it was Gitana not Mimi.

I feel a stronger excitement, and less fear! Should I call Gitana then, go with my heart?

But frankly, I still MISTRUST my feelings. They drew me to an abusive lover before--will they do it again? Am I cured, or will am I still drawn to destructive qualities?

So I ask my dreams: "Who SHOULD I be dating?"

THAT NIGHT

A married man goes away on a quest. He's a bit of an intellectual, and he finds his wife frustratingly slow at times. Also, to be honest, she's never turned him on much. She has a warm heart, and they're good friends, but "listen to your heart" may have been a partial mistake. He should have listened to his brain and body, too. They'd have done better to go on being friends. Liking's not love!

On his quest for true love, he runs into a goddess. Whether she's slumming or here on business, she never says. But she guides him, a while. As this beautiful, brilliant, magnetic figure leads him toward other places and other women, he starts to wonder... is she herself his ideal mate? He begins to suspect she's the answer! But he must dare to ask... can he?

He dares.

And she says no. Not because he's a mere mortal, and she's a goddess--interracial marriage is no big deal these days. Because he as an individual is not HER perfect mate. And even if he were, he has baggage. He lives in the material world, and she just doesn't want to return there. She grew up there, like all the gods, but it's not home anymore. Feels too small. She's outgrown the playpen.

She introduces him to another traveler though, on a similar quest for love. A nice enough woman, but annoying, because she strongly meets a need his wife doesn't, yet is clearly NOT his soulmate: she's VERY smart, and rather attractive, but not very warm--she can be cool and bitchy, in fact. But such fun to spar with!

If only he could squash the two women together he'd have two-thirds of his ideal!

Still, despite his frustration, he trusts the Goddess, and sticks with this annoying friend. They do like each other, and have adventures...

At last, they meet a younger traveler, visibly of spiritual origin: a slightly translucent, delicate, ethereal young girl who's highly psychic. She's terribly impractical and unworldly, but sharply empathetic... and sexy? To die for.

Unaccountably, she likes Mr. Wifedumper and Miss Grumpy, and comes along with them... He's still searching for his true love, and following signs of her trail. The two women hope the Goddess can help them find love too.

Finally, they reach a place were all the signs say "This is it."

But it's the man's home again! Only now he's given up his grudging loyalty to his wife, given it up for honesty. He wants the gifted woman and the beautiful psychic girl, too...

His wife has changed too--or he sees her real feelings for the first time. She'd rather share than have all of something wrong. She has other interests, now, too, perhaps. Other loves, filling needs he can't.

Now he's more likely to encourage those.

So they all settle down together and the man with three wives is happy at last. Without his goddess, but with all the qualities of the goddess, scattered among them.

And they feel it, too. They form a whole far stronger and wiser than their component personalities. They love him in their different ways, but they don't stay just for love. Of all the places they've seen on their quests, this feels right to them.

MORNING NOTES

So... look for only three qualities! Beauty, brains, and a warm heart. Junk all that other trivia...

I feel uncomfortable with the answer the dream is giving me: a license to be unromantic, a license to fuck women who aren't my soul-mate, who may have only ONE quality I like. My childhood training protests "No, free love is for WOMEN ONLY! If YOU do it, it's PATRIARCHY!" But I have to trust the Goddess, not American feminism.

Suddenly I decide to reverse the genders in the dream. I'm a woman looking for true love. But I have ridiculous standards only God can meet. I prove it by tracking down God and falling in love with him. God says he's not available, but adds it's okay to have three husbands, each with PART of what I need... Three husbands who, together, do add up to someone... divine!

Admit it! That sounds much more acceptable.*

And denying it just because I'm in a male body this time around is just sexist brainwashing.

*But I bet my dreams can make it unacceptable again. See one of my more perverse dreams: MY THREE HUSBANDS

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