THAT DAY

I'm reading How to Be Single by Liz Tuccillo--a novel based on a world tour Tuccillo did, interviewing women in different societies on the search for a mate:

• AMERICA: Spiritual Serena breaks her vow of celibacy with her sexy guru. Gets high on love. Then she learns he's fucking at least three other students. She's devastated. They all knew and think she's ridiculous for caring.
• AUSTRALIA: A man shortage. One man says "Under thirty, women have the balance of power. Past thirty, the power balance shifts. We can have whoever we want." So men get flighty. Yet one female columnist touts the power of positive thinking and finds the perfect guy for her; proves demographics aren't everything. Clarity and action...
• BALI: The Balinese feel power in relationships is always a bit unequal; does that make it all exploitive, mercenary... prostitution? They don't draw a sharp line as in Anglo cultures--this is right, this is wrong. They seem to judge more by the vibe; as long as everyone's happy...
• CHINA: The Chinese say "We're so unromantic and mercenary." True. AND career-obsessed AND narcissistic AND lacking people-skills. Both men & women prefer anyone but Chinese! And yet... even here where the woman shortage is severe, men have no trouble finding women, indeed may get sex so easily they're flighty as Australian men. Finding a girl's no problem; getting along is! Result: in a land bursting with men, a surprising number of lonely women.

THAT NIGHT

I meet a living stoplight. A cluster of three sentient beings, each intermittently glowing a different hue. Funny: their colors aren't red, yellow and green but red, green and blue. Are they stoplight people? Oh. Phosphor people! Living LED lights.

They're not just living signals, though, but glowing buttons that we're meant to push! But aware, intelligent. Are they really doorbell people?

A boy I know, perhaps ten years old, wants to befriend one button of three. He tries, and... succeeds beyond his intention. Asks the button shyly "Do you like me?"

The button replies, in a flat (but oh so manly!) button voice: "I love you." The boy may be only ten but he knows he likes girls not boys. Not robot boys or alien boys or whatever you call a boy who's a glowing talking autistic button.

Honesty is nice, but this isn't going to get the button laid. It's socially clueless.

Whoops! I'm still in the dark garage where the button propositoned the boy, but... now I'm a street performer. I sing, do comedy skits, funny voices, a little stage magic. And watch the crowd. This venue is a hotbed of more strange romance. Students are waiting in lines. I recognize an old friend I'm attracted to. She's gay, though. We talk--I use one of my stage voices.

I spot a guy I know, also gay. On impulse I maneuver them together, put hands in the small of their backs, and push them into a kiss! And then start singing to them in Irish dialect: "Molly Malone."

Yep. I truly believe singing about fishmongers will make them change orientation and fall in love! If I just push enough. Oh, I'm bright as a button.

NOTES NEXT MORNING

• Red and green buttons: our doorbell has two buttons, one for upstairs one for down. Only the green works, but it's so loud you hear it on both floors, so it hardly matters.
• Stoplights: Stop and go = feeling turned on or not! You is or you ain't. So don't nag yourself to like someone you don't.
• Red green and BLUE: computer screen? Mine booted unreliably when the (buttonlike) clock battery was low. New battery? Healthy computer! Hints that a small repair in ME might change a lot.
• Gay pedophilic autistic doorbell: I knew I was pretty clueless about desire, but my dreams think I'm even MORE clueless.
• Pushing two gays toward straightness: in How to Be Single, a woman asks two gay friends to donate sperm and be co-dads. "Sorry, just helped out another friend." Asks another gay friend. "Sorry, I just did too..."
• Coaxing girl to change orientation: I feel like asking a girl out is perverse--asking her to change orientation! Lesbianism MUST be the norm; who'd want a GUY? (Thanks, Mom! Your brainwashing was top-quality; it's held up like hardwood.)
• ACTION: uh... back to therapy! Brainwashing not fully undone. What else? Don't try to date aliens, boys, doorbells or computers. Do try women. Because (despite the lies I was taught) some women actually like men. And might say yes.

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