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Fatherlooms

Dreamed late 1983 by Chris Wayan

In this dream I was a thirtyish woman reliving an early memory that explained my long history of sexual fears, cramps and pelvic inflammations.

The father looms, a rapist in my dark,
Oozing liquored semen with his sweat.
Hollow clenches in my nether gut.
Adult, I fuck, but muscles don't forget.

They said "you don't feel that; you're happy."
They took my me!
So I learned to hide me where
Even cut me open couldn't find.
Now my lover search me with a hand.
Not too deep my love--or I can die.

Probe, and I'll come out the wound,
Darken as I feel the oxygen-bite
Of your--another's--gaze.
Let me slowly creep to light,
Or like a birth too quick
I'll tear again, feel the slick
Drip down thighs to earth: blood-dread.

I dream how body ought to feel
I slide, throb, buzz and zoom!
Then wake ashrunk inside my peel,
Like a withered avocado:
Seeming gleaming full--
But heft betrays the rot.
Hollow as the rubbertouch of undead
That I twitch under still.
In dreams alone, I sometimes grasp
That mythical warm clasp you daily feel.

Daddy it hurt.
My sex raw meat again--
Too big...
Too soon.

And then woke to find I was male. And my dad had never raped me. But I did have a long history of pelvic pain and allergies. Metaphor... or a previous life so horrendous it still haunts me?

Twenty years later, I still don't know. But I no longer rule it out.



LISTS AND LINKS: I'm Just Not Myself Today - cross-gender dreams - age-changed dreams - diagnostic dreams - dream dads - rape - incest - pedophilia - sexual awakening and growth - violence - healing from abuse - reincarnation - inheritances - dream poetry

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