I'm an Intersex and I'm Okay
Dreamed 1992/11/7 by Chris Wayan
I get an erection, then notice something odd. I'm stroking the frustrum, that's the sensitive ridge between testicles and anus. Biologically, it's just fused labia--the same tissue, the same nerves. I start sticking a finger a little way inside me, guiltily, and realize this is an old pleasure, given up long ago in my repressed childhood or adolescence. Gave it up because anal play made me think of myself as gay: if I liked this I "must" want a man's cock up my ass! And I worried about infections: my GI tract had a poor enough record without being invaded.
Only... now, as an adult, I no longer just think of this whole area as an undifferentiated "down there": and I realize my finger is NOT up my ass. What AM I doing?
I've instinctively found a slit, without prominent labia, smaller than a vaginal opening and widest side to side, not front to back: almost unnoticeable if you don't feel for it carefully. All my adult life, I've been unaware of it--at least consciously. But my finger sure knew! It angles up behind the penis, and I feel, not intense pleasure, but a lost, early sexual dimension, a fulfillment. I always wanted a woman to fill me up as I fill her up, as well as penile/clitoral excitement. I felt feminine somehow, knew that I longed for a woman to take the initiative to do SOMETHING, but never knew what. I repressed even the knowledge that I was physically adrogynous! I've always identified more with women, without ever quite knowing why. But there is a physical basis for my sexual feelings; and my sexual longings can be defined now. And met..
All I have to do is not fit myself into the usual categories. I'm not a straight man, or a gay man. Or a man, exactly, or a woman.
I have to define myself as a rare or unique case, not look to others for models. I start singing that old Monty Python song "The Transvestite Lumberjack," only I start the chorus: "I'm an intersex, and I'm okay."
And then I wake.
And wonder, all morning, if that dream's advice might just possibly be true for a few things besides sex.
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