THAT DAY

It was my 29th birthday. A fairly low-key birthday, all things considered- I opened some presents from my family, went to a movie, and played Dungeons and Dragons with my friends. No big fancy party or anything like that. But all the while, I couldn't escape a nagging feeling of anxiety I couldn't exactly put in words. I had turned 29 years old, after all, which in the eyes of traditional society meant I have only one year left as a "twenty-something", a "young adult".

Except. . . I don't feel ready to leave that stage of my life yet! I used to look forward to getting older, but this time I just couldn't find that optimism.

THE DREAM

I'm at a party of some kind. Is it a birthday party? I'm not sure. It's some kind of party, though, with cake and decorations and all the stuff you expect at parties. All the guests are younger than me- a LOT younger, in most cases; some of them seem to not even be in middle school. But I seem to be treated as though I'm one of them, and not a weird outlier.

I find it strange, though, that I'm the only person my age at the party. I try to talk to the other guests, but none of them seem particularly interested in hearing what I have to say. In fact, I don't even learn their names no matter how much I try to ask them.

Frustrated, I go back into my house (my house is nearby? I didn't know that) and then walk back out. When I do, the party vanishes. All of the guests are gone, and there's no sign that they were ever there in the first place. I'm confused. I go back inside and call for my mother, who I apparently still live with in this reality, just like I do in the waking world. She replies, but before I can answer, I wake up.

NOTES IN THE MORNING

• The only adult at a birthday party: I'm 29 years old, but I'm still clinging to the vestiges of my childhood. In a year I'll be 30, and I'm not ready for that yet!
• Other guests: Is the dream trying to tell me that I relate better to people younger than me than to my own peers?
• Autism: I have autism, and I've always felt isolated from other people in my age group. Should I continue to isolate myself, or be more like "normal" people?
• Guests disappearing: Fake friendships! I know more people on social media than in real life, and the pandemic's made that worse.

EDITOR'S NOTE

As an autistic myself, I'm not sure the pandemic made it worse for me. What shocked me is how it devastated neurotypicals, as they lost their tight circles and tribes. I think it hit them worse--I'm used to feeling lonely, even among others. Suddenly all of humanity faced... what I always had.

Gray's dream reflects that feeling. Notice the dream's timing: not at the worst of lockdown, but now that neurotypicals start returning to their social rounds... which, the dream hints, don't work for Gray. They sure don't for me.

--Chris Wayan

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