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Dreamed 1999/5/20 by Chris Wayan

I'm at a party. I desperately need to pee. Search for the bathroom in pain. Find it but the door won't close all the way. Normally I'd sit and relax, but since it's not private, I stand in front of the toilet, hiding it from the doorway, and pull out my penis and try to piss. But I can't. The lack of privacy does inhibit me, but that's not the main reason: I have an erection so hard and tight it's physically impossible to piss! Yet I didn't even notice before! No sexy thoughts, no idea who turned me on... weird.

Finally I force a little liquid out, but it doesn't relieve me much. But that's not surprising--it isn't urine, it's distilled emotion! Old traumatic feelings I'm getting out at last!

More than old feelings. I'm pissing old memories.

I wonder if the same is true for the sperm--is it really memories of sex, sex-traumas?

Two streams of old trauma competing to get out at last... blocking each other so neither one is freed!

I wake up feeling like I've been handed an urgent message.

Though, if I have to have dreams about bodily fluids, why not just specimen bottles? With nice neat labels, so I'd know what the hell is blocking what?


But when I wrote down the dream, I did know. Both were obvious.

So my rage at childhood abuse and ostracism is competing with sexual trauma to emerge. I'm more than willing to let them both go, but they block each other. It isn't sabotage or resistance, they may not even WANT to cause a traffic jam--but I'm physically unable to let both out at once. Maybe I can't even consciously choose.

Patience...try to choose one to focus on. Now at least I know it's not sabotage, just two terrible needs... deadlocked.

LISTS AND LINKS: healing from abuse - therapy and psychology - anger - unburying toxic memories - sabotage and resistance - frustration dreams - same dreamer, different decade, different rivals (sex & creativity?) deadlocking in Half's Hard

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