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Wish and Wake

Dreamed 1998/7/9 by Chris Wayan

I wake up in a hippie bus parked on the street, blocking someone's driveway. Not that they'll complain! They can't go out anyway: the street's choked with tables of nonprofits, distributing pamphlets. Some sort of fair.

Despite the growing, cheerful crowds as the fair begins, I feel lonely and sad. Wish desperately for a girlfriend. A flash of insight: when I wish for nearly anything else, I get it! Soon, too. Lately, I can even cheat at computer solitaire, get the cards I ask for--if I clearly visualize, they show up way more often then the odds say.

But love... I've focused entirely on begging the universe to send me a girl with qualities I like and find sexy--as if I could do anything with her when she shows up! I'm so scared of strong feelings, how can I love? Maybe there's good reason for caution, since my health has been so fragile, I often get sick from strong feelings, good or bad. But still--if I can't love, wishing for a lover is contradictory. No wonder my wish won't come true!

I have to wish to be able to love. Regaining the power to feel passion may involve reliving pain, triggering illness. I have to be willing to risk that.

Before I can scare myself into backing off, I wish. "I want to be able to love. I wish to go thru the memories and pain and come out able to feel without getting sick." Feel the wish leave me cleanly, like an e-mail sent. My wishes for a girlfriend always got stuck in the out-box. This feels different.

And then I wake again...

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