Dreamed 1996/5/23 by Chris Wayan
I'm in elementary school again, eight or nine years old, in fifth grade (I was skipped ahead).
Slowly I catch on that I'm being lied to about school events--told false times to show up for group activities, ordered to report for constant "special tests" that seem pointless, cooked up just to yank me from class--and again, I often leave class to find an empty testing room. They tell me I was mistaken... again. I know I wasn't.
Only me. Singled out. I think it's covert punishment for being a child prodigy, a freak, but I don't know. They don't tell me to my face. So they lie, and I end up alone where I'm not supposed to be. Not just students doing it--at least some teachers have to in on it. Unsure if all are--only know I can't trust authorities. Each time I'm separated from the crowd I feel more vulnerable--marks me as different and sets me up for more gossip.
At one point I'm alone in the hall, coming back from another bogus meeting or test, when the fire alarm goes off. I start running. We're supposed to use the nearest fire exit. I don't see one, though I know it's there on the right. It's narrow, so I may have missed it in my panic. Or is this another practical joke? Remove the sign, fake a fire drill? Kids should be pouring out of the classrooms, but the hall is empty. Yet school's in session and the fire buzzer's screeching. Eerie. Is it a nuclear war drill instead? Run alone down hall toward end. My homeroom is there too, room 63, on the right. I can look in the room, and if it's empty, run out the front door. Can see there's no fire there. But I know I'll be punished somehow for this.
From their tone I know they disapprove of my parents' elitism in going to live theatre. And taking a small kid who can't possibly understand! It'll feed his egotism, already a problem. Thinks he's a little genius.
So they rig these fake tests to force me not to show up when I should. They'll keep me after class using their testing as detention! Punishment, not for behavior, but for being a prodigy: too young, unnatural. "That Chris, always lying." I'm glad they've turned so blatant. Know your enemies.
Trouble is, I don't know my friends. If any.
But I refuse to stay! Run out to meet my parents, who do indeed drive up. I tell them what's been happening. My mother asks "Are you asking to be pulled from this school?" and I say "I don't know." And I don't; I'm just reporting a problem. I have no way to know if adults in other school will be better. She asks what I'd do about it if they left me in this school. I say "I'll keep my self-respect at any price. I'll start hitting kids who lie to me or tease me; I'll make it cost too much. I'm too small to beat up the staff who've been doing this, but I'm smart. I'll think of ways I can hurt them too, until they're afraid of me too, and stop."
And I mean exactly what I say.
IN THE MORNING
The dream accurately evokes my childhood reaction: confusion and a harsh lonely pride. I scorned and mistrusted my teachers as well as classmates. I've blamed myself or my parents for being the school pariah, but was I really so dumb I couldn't tell who to trust? Consciously, I only noted blatant unfairness--theft, violence, provable lies (not just kids; at least two teachers lied to me and about me, going so far as to falsify records; one of my psychologists is now under indictment for abusing kids). Quieter abuse, I took for granted--rejection, prejudice, harassment, hate speech. At last, I ignored others' expressed feelings and judged only their actions. Outside my family and close friends, I was nearly mute.
For years, I thought I was a socally inept loner--but now I wonder. Stoic withdrawal may have been the only response to abuse by school staff paid to protect me! The dream's ending warns how close I came to violence, to a label of "delinquent", like so many gifted.
I have few physical scars; I try to forget those years of abuse. But inside? I still mistrust groups, expecting prejudice, persecution and sabotage. I watch for evidence others are singling me out.
But the dream says my hair-trigger alarm system is like a firebell ringing in an empty school. False alarm.
That is, false now.
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