THAT DAY

A good day. Cheryl, who's been telling my friends I'm a jerk, left me alone. And Emily emailed me after a long hiatus. She's OK, not mad at me, just tired and guilty because, like me, she dropped Cheryl--just couldn't take any more. Write Em a long answer.

Paint my Pegatauress sculpture, and work on another: a Wolf Dancer. Carve and build up spackle...

Pegatauress

Wolf Dancer

THAT NIGHT

I'm in a hallway with life-size statues. A naked human hunter with feathers, and a Rabbit-Eared Doe--ears two feet long!

They move. Come alive. He pounces on her, pulls those ears like handles, forcing her to rear, rampant, heraldic. But he's behind her, hips grinding tight against her hindquarters. Naked. Wait, are they... fucking?

If so, this pulling her ears so hard troubles me. And yet, no matter how it looks... surely it's an improvement over what Stone Age hunters used to do--kill such a doe and eat her flesh. Which still was less creepy than those modern he-men who'd kill her for boasting rights--just to hang her severed head on a wall.

And I'm not sure from her expression if it is abuse. This is the commonest sexual position for Rabbit-Eared Deer--a buck mounts a doe by catching a long rabbit-ear in his mouth and hanging on! Maybe a rabbit-ear doe expects or even likes having her ears gripped and pulled, just as a cat expects her mate to hang onto the scruff of her neck and bite and claw some during sex. Cats just like it rough. What do I know about rabdeer?

I can't know--without asking the doe if she's okay. She's not protesting, and he glares like I'm out to steal his girl.

No mayhem so far. Better let them work it out on their own.

NOTES IN THE MORNING

• Mixed species: Pegatauress and Wolf Dancer.
• Rabbit and deer blended: I think the dream's riffing on jackelopes, those horned bunnies found stuffed in tourist shops in desert states. Why do I suspect it? The Rabbit-Eared Doe is so exactly the opposite! A deer body with distinctive rabbit headgear, instead of a rabbit body with deer headgear grafted on.
• Love or abuse?
  1. Spirits that Walk in Shadow!
  2. My breakup with Cheryl. One minute she wistfully wants to reconcile, the next she decides I'm plotting against her.
  3. Sculpting can look like abuse! Carving, chipping, drilling. Mutilation or shaping up? Can't be sure what helps, what hurts. Only by the result.
• Ears, sex, worry: a week ago, I dreamt of a girl who loved 69 with me, but hated having her ears nibbled. I got all guilty, felt "Oh no, I'm a rapist!" Thanks, Mom. At last I calmed down and... just didn't nibble her ears. And she was happy.
• I still have guilt-training to undo: I expect love to be conflict-free! And lovers' tastes to be like mine. And passion to look nice and peaceful. All absurd. What counts isn't how it looks but how it feels--to the individual. So ask.
• ACTION: Trust what lovers says they like. Learn to live with weirdness and confusion. Without guilt. Because weird is normal.

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