THAT DAY

I'm reading BIG MOUTH AND UGLY GIRL by Joyce Carol Oates. Difficult, painful--the two main characters are bitter and suspicious--rightly so, after lies get them shunned. Brings up ugly memories for me--I was my school's pariah and punching bag.

In the evening, go to a jam session with my friends Mike & Nic. Meet Murray, Oona, and David, who keeps suggesting drum rhythms to Nic till she snaps "I thought this was a jam, not a tutoring session" and quits; and Rod, who loudly tells me I'm loud and irritating and interrupting him. The second time he does it, I leave the circle to talk quietly to Nic & Oona off in the corner. Rod loudly complains a THIRD time--about my loud murmurs, I guess. I've felt Rod was rude before, but this was blatant and he singled me out. His scorn seems weirdly casual--as if I'm just a natural doormat.

Wow. Don't jam with him again. Beyond that, I can't see a lesson here... if it's meant to give me an opportunity to confront a bully, I'm not buying. No payoff I can see, other than a fight with a jerk. Nothing to gain here. I go home early.

Now, at home, I still feel mad--clinging to the insult. Except, frankly... I was bored. That jam was monotonous. Was Rude Rod my excuse to walk?

Should I ask my dreams about it? I suppose so, though I really want the opposite. Recently at Burning Man, I got lots of praise for Planetocopia, and cringed at the compliments! Want to learn to take praise not sneers. But that wasn't the lesson presented today. For Nic and me both, just insults outa the blue.

THAT NIGHT

Interstellar aliens have attacked. They killed off or swallowed several other intelligent species with a single overwhelming technique--not a military thing, a sociological trick that gets high-tech races to destroy themselves. But humanity resisted--not consistently, there were many doubters, but key factions realized the scam and averted civil war.

Next, the aliens send robotic bugs to crash the Web and other infosystems. A cruder attack--hinting they don't have much beyond their prime weapon. Humanity resists again, and now with more unity.

As it becomes clear the aggressors have destroyed many civilizations and plan to kill more, we start to feel a responsibility to other races too. Is fighting more justifiable when it's not self-defense? When you defend third parties? A consensus slowly builds that we need to fight and may have to exterminate the exterminators.

To save the next species.

NOTES NEXT MORNING

• How to defend against aggression?
  1. Big Mouth and Ugly Girl by Joyce Carol Oates. How do you respond to systematic persecution?
  2. I read the news from Darfur--dictator Omar al-Bashir bombed his own people again. We should face it's genocide, bomb his airfields, wreck his airforce, and bomb any ground forces crossing into Darfur. After twenty years and 2.4 million dead, he's worse than Pol Pot--what's the use of restraint? I hate Dubya's crusade against Iraq, but I'm not an isolationist. Bush just picks bad crusades--and goes it alone. If he'd gone after Sudan, North Korea's nuclear program, Saudi Arabia's exportation of terrorism, and of course Israel's occupation of Palestine...
  3. Notice the date. It can't be a coincidence it's the third anniversary of Al Qaeda's massacre of nearly 3000 civilians. In response, Bush attacked an uninvolved country--Iraq.
• What problem am I steeling myself to fight? My fear when out in the world alone, I think. Big Mouth bared its source: I still expect the abuse I got for years, though I tolerate it less now. But Rod proves I still attract bullies--by acting like prey, hesitant to defend myself. Not from fear--guilt. That guilt signals 'victim'.
• Action: Don't pick fights, but if I or third parties are attacked, I have an absolute right to fight back. Guiltlessly. More than that. A need to. If I don't, they misread me--take it as a license to harass.

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