I'm reading a review of a fantasy movie about Coyote the Trickster, set in Berkeley, and starring, of course, Peter Coyote. The plot sounds like a 1930s cliffhanger. The climactic scene has a couple, caught at last, standing on a ledge of a dark stone clocktower, besieged by enemies who want to sacrifice them. The article doesn't show how it ends; that's not its concern.

If it's about Coyote, why are there elves? But the long article is mostly full of neither species, but photos of bizarre hawk people. That isn't Coyote on the ledge; it's a young hawk couple.

I'm distracted by the hawk ingenue's long legs, fully half her height--that's more common in hawks than humans. I find her very sexy. But I'm disappointed that the pictures show everything except her cunt. Even in full-frontal nudity, she appears to have nothing down there--just a blank! Or is it blurred, censored?

Why is she naked? Well, that's normal. Both sexes are usually naked or nearly--just a purse or pocket-belt. They're simultaneously beautiful, fierce, and corny, with their stagy, stuck-on wings and big feathered eyebrows and body-plumage stuck on human actors. Not just half-hawk heads, wings, feathers: the males have a hawk-head for a penis too, with a sharp hooked raveny beak for the shaft. Oww! Sex with that guy has to hurt...

I look through other magazines. Any more hawk people? All I find are articles on politics and sewing. At last, frustrated, I do what I haven't dared in years--I Open the Closet. Inside is a big trove of magazines. Well, not quite. Huge stacks of photos cut from magazines.

They look random. I leaf through. Any sexy ones? Hawk people or not?

No. In this mountain of images, NOT ONE is sexy. Astronomical odds; can't be chance. I think "Looks like there IS some kind of censorship going on here!" But what? Why?

NOTES IN THE MORNING

• Hawk people: no surprise. I've been reading Fusion, a furry science-fiction comic drawn by Lela Dowling. It has hawk people in it (two different species in fact), though neither's as weird as my dream figures.
• Sharp-beaked penises, sex has to hurt: thanks, Mom! She saw straight sex as abuse and men as abusers, so she taught me to fear & suspect myself.
• Stacks of photos: the "stacks" (shelving) in the library where I work.
• Closet: secrecy & repression, I guess. Since I fear showing sexual desire at all. Since no woman would want one of those awful cocks.
• Sex, censorship, women censored more than men: ???

LATER THAT DAY

At work at the library I run across a French book titled something like "Nues d'Autrefois" or "La Nue de Temps Passé" showing erotic photos from around 1900.

Grotesque. Penises got airbrushed into vague fleshy blurs and blobs, but at least still there; in contrast, labia & clits got sprayed right out of existence--just triangular blanks! Wow, were they scared of women...

Unlike enlightened us.

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