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Dreamed 1990/10/14 by Chris Wayan


Sick, from stress and exhaustion mostly. Lie around and read THE BODY HAS ITS REASONS. Despite all my recent bodywork, I'm still tight, fight any relaxation--not afraid of my own feelings, afraid OTHERS'll attack me if I let the truth out!

Of course that's no surprise, since I WAS attacked a lot, sometimes jumped with no warning. And my mom was a pacifist who disapproved of my defending myself, so fight or not, either my classmates or my mom put me down. Double bind.


I'm a devout Christian girl, proud of my high standards. I live in a Catholic boarding school run by a small, pure, strict order you won't have heard of.

Until, one day, I commit a sin. I steal a fashion magazine from one of the Sisters. It's called Vogue.

I open it in private to find a photo that makes my heart pound. A color photo of a woman longing on a blanket in sunset light, naked, her mons veneris glowing in the fiery light, her labia as red as Monica's lips when she puts on her forbidden lipstick. Cunt! There, I said it! No more Latin! Cunt.

And I want to kiss it. I never cared about boys. They said I'd grow out of it.

They didn't say what I'd grow into.

I want to be accepted here, but this place isn't right for me. I have longings they'll never approve.

Plus, my bed's too small--only five feet long. And I'm not, any more. They don't seem to notice, and I'm afraid to bring it to the Sisters' attention. I studied Greek myth; I know how guests were snipped to fit the Procrustean Bed. I'm surrounded by pro Christians, I mean Procrusteans.

And I'm still growing.


Well... my leftist, pacifist upbringing was (in its way) as narrow as a nun. A Procrustean bed. Aches and pains, huh? No wonder!

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