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PET AD,
or,
RENTADOG

from Chris Wayan's journal, 1996/11/9

I just put a singles ad in our paper. Not one response. If only I could afford a truly honest ad! But the truth is complex, and costs a dollar a word, and who reads any more?

But here goes anyway. The true ad I dared not post.

Gentle lesbian Mistresse,
take this Creature in distresse.
You who've always harbored Strays,
Rosebud-tattooed Runaways.
Privately you want a Pet;
Evil Landlord will not Let.
So let Me be
your Dream-Pet, free.
No Need to think!
Save that for Work.
Stroke me, and let my Purrs comb smooth
Your tangled Neural Net.

Lick you all over, all day.
If it please you, I even Obey.
Or if you Enjoy a little Blush
Invite your best friend over and I'll
Thrust my nose up her Dress, while
she's drinking your Herb Tea.
Under the table Pet's tongue shall go
While you talk of Michelangelo.
Let's see how long she Sips
Before she giggles and gasps and Slips.
Dog will act your Dreams.

I'll Nurse your Refugees.
Your latest Speedfreake Girls.
I will Howl my Song for them,
the song of Your Pet Dog:

Don't leave Dog.
Don't go away to Drug-lande.
Dog is lonely, lonely.
Pet your Dogge instead.

They hurt Girl, Dog knows.
Dog longs to go Back and Bite 'em.
Now Girl poketh Pins in her arm.
Hurt girl Flees, ad infinitum.

Turn not Bitter, turn not Mad!
Poke not Dogge with Pin!
Dog will cry--Dog will Beg
Pleeeease let Dog in...

Dog wants girl to Live.
Dog is always Friende.
When slippery, Dog mount Either Ende.
Girl be happy, live.

Play Ball with me!
Girl will throw away
Dog always Finde,
Dog give it back
A little drooly
But that's Okay.

Play Kiss with me!
Dog give it back
A little drooly
But that's Okay.

Love, love, Dog-love
Girl will throw away
Dog always Finde
Dog give it back drooly
Love is Drooly, that's Okay.

Dog want Girl to live.
Dog wait for his Day
When Dog stands up--
Stands with hands--
When Dog grows a Soule.

Just a clumsy Dog-Soul
But girl, Girl,
Give Dog her sad soul!
Dog give you back his Soul
A little slobbery
But alive Alive!
Dog want Girl alive
Alive and licking!
To hold my Hand,
my Sweet new hand
When Dog can Stand
When Dog grows Soul
O stay. O stay.
For sweet drool day.

Dog-girl on a leash, eager to play.
Me as a horny dog-angel.
Me as an eager dog-girl in a red dress.

2001 FOOTNOTE

Hmmm. Dog is a literate dog. "Flees ad infinitum" isn't just strange-sounding, it echoes a line from an old English poem about dogs having fleas, "and they have smaller fleas to bite 'em--and so on, ad infinitum." ["to infinity"]

And that line "please, O please" clearly rhymes with those unspoken "fleas".

A cat made brushstrokes that are each a much smaller cat.
Sorry, but it seems only fair to have equal time (and fleas) for cats. Ad infinitum.

Uh-oh. As I write this footnote I notice I'm itchy and scratching myself. My house has no fleas. Pure suggestion. I think.

Possibly not the most effective ad...



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