I'm sitting in a big film or theater class, watching a film. A woman onscreen tells how to... wish. I watch intently. By me, a girl I respect--one of the few other really bright students in this mostly dim bunch--mutters "Quit fidgeting!" and gets up and sits farther from me.

Sigh! I'm an Aspie--I try to suppress my rocking and twitching, but it's hard when I'm concentrating.

The lesson onscreen is so riveting I forget about my offended classmate. The narrator's saying "Don't try to visualize what you want. Close your eyes and leave the screen black! Just be clear what it is you wish for, and don't will the world to give it to you. Clarity alone. And NON-visualization!"

Here the filmmaker takes a risk. All visual aids stop. As the narrator says "Don't try to visualize", the eye of the camera closes; from here on, it's her voice and a black screen.

With nothing to see, I try it. Non-visualization! Close my own eyes and feel what I want. Am I so sure I know?

Out of the deep water, the truth swims up slow. I knew I wanted better health, and that's true; I thought I wanted a girlfriend too. Wrong. My real wish is for that feeling when I'm using shamanic power right--whether I link to someone psychically, or just through talk, but it changes us both. It's lovely when that intimacy's sexual too, but that's a bonus. It's the feeling as deep change happens. Mine, a friend's, a stranger's--never mind who.

NOTES IN THE MORNING

• Strange spiritual lesson onscreen: cartoons I saw today!
  1. In a My Little Pony short called Movie Magic, Juniper's uncle rejects her for the lead in his film--hires a pro. She sabotages the film set! Pushes... and loses all.
  2. In Kamisama Kiss, homeless girl Nanami gets a job in a run-down temple, replacing the local god, who just ran off. His ex-servant, fox-spirit Tomoe, grudgingly helps train Nanami. Both are thorny--pushing leads to fights!
• Annoy a gifted classmate: really happened in Shakespeare class at San Francisco State. I annoyed two bright classmates but wasn't sure how. Later, when I discovered My Little Pony and saw gifted researcher Twilight Sparkle gallop past her classmates, ignoring them, I saw my own Aspie monomania, how despite being a bared nerve I can trample others' feelings as I rush toward the truth.
• ACTION: I though I wished for health and a lover. But what I WANT is health and... this feeling. It can come from deep encounters, short or long, sexual or nonsexual. But... where to find anyone open to deep change? Dream groups?

  Still, the main lesson isn't where or how. It's what. I don't want what I thought.

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