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Slaves Don't Dance
Dreamed 1999/8/1 by Chris Wayan
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NOTES ON WAKING UP
The dream explains my reluctance. I don't WANT to go out, even dating and dancing, if I'm still under the orders of the one who imprisoned me! This isn't shyness, I'm on STRIKE! With one demand: a fundamental attitude change.
- Prisoner = I've been convalescent. I felt fragile and shy and stayed in all day. Prisoner to what? Real sickness, agoraphobia, or just... habit?
- Forced to babysit her pseudo-living baby = staying in and doing art? Uh-oh...
- The doll's mean = my angry inner brat? Or my art and writing? Whoever the spell-doll is, it's not going to get much better--some side of me has hit its developmental limit.
- Spells modified til the baby's calm and dull = I've been tired lately, even apathetic. My hope for personal change has waned; I'm resigned to being a botched experiment, a person whose recipe just didn't work out. A prodigy as a child, called a genius, but too nervous, sickly and shy to function in the American world. I did not say "real world".
- Asked to dance = just before bed I read a course catalog and considered trying dance classes again. Has my shyness abated enough so I'd ask girls out, this time? Or would I stay locked in a bell-jar of self-mistrust? I felt a bit reluctant, and wondered if it was shyness or something else.
I want true freedom, full freedom, not pseudo-life--not just a longer leash. Staying at home and doing art, magical though it can be... it's not enough. The doll's not quite alive. And I want life. Real life.
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