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AMBIVALENT? NO! (YES)

108K, 960 x 400, 1990. Panoramic digital picture by Chris Wayan 1990.


My dreams hint at a lot of past lives. I suspect I've mostly been female in recent centuries: my self-image is female and I tend to forget and get confused about being even a temporary male. This picture is a sort of freeway pile-up of my self-images, from childhood on--from a horny cherub at birth to a phallic Schmoo at 5, a sort of penis-chicken at 10, a blue monster at 20, a pegasus at 25, a satyr now, and the orgasmic anima of the future. I definitely want to incarnate as a girl again; I haven't liked this experiment of being a boy. Feels funny.

self-images at 5-year intervals--a schmoo, a phallic chicken, a blue monster, a Pegasus, a satyr, and a wild girl. Click to enlarge.
Little notes on the figures tell my age when each one was my dream-self (click to enlarge).

The note inside the flying vagina says "Hi, Gaea!" That's not just a greeting, but the name of another goddess: the goddess of personal hygiene... I swear being a slob is written somewhere on the Y chromosome. As a guy I just can't stay clean and my room's a mess; I hate it and am not used to it, but it almost feels like I actively neglect myself because I'm male.

Maybe not genes--I could just be punishing myself. Damn.

And in sex, I'm obsessed with giving giving giving, gotta make my girlfriend happy. Another stupid guy thing, instead of just being with someone you like/love. That's why the final little note, on my future female normal self's orgasmic leg: "When will I learn to TAKE?" Because if it ain't give AND take, it ain't love--just a one-way trip down Role-Playing Street. Sigh!



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