I dreamt of my son (who in waking life has autism and is nonverbal). He suddenly appeared centre stage in front of a huge audience. He was much older than his real age of seven and half; his facial features were those of the daughter I once lost. It seemed my two children had physically and mentally entwined.

He stood magnificently proud, then began to speak perfectly clearly, reciting a poem. I am not sure if it was about himself, myself or just some random being:

I dreamt I was a fractal, serene and tremendous in shape
A diminished lifetime of thinking we all began as apes.

Wonders of mathematical landscapes we save within our minds,
Cosmic universe of intrigue revolving around mankind.

A succession of dysfunctional atoms,
Immense beauty inside these patterns.

Our minds the keys to secrets untold,
Every one of us the truth we can unfold.

In it, I too become entwined: I resemble an animated feline named Madam Purr-say.

A voice descended from above the stars, which I assumed belonged to my Dream Lord:

"Take away the veil, Madam Purr-say. Remove the veil from your eyes and you will seek out the reason for your connection to the Dark One. How long do I have to knock at the door of your subconscious, how long do I have to gate-crash your personal dream space, how long? I hold the answers, explanations, the mystical indulgence you require, Madam Purr-say!" said the unseen voice from above.

"Hell no," I replied; "I seek neither you nor the Dark One for answers, inspiration, spiritual guidance or a selfish desire to unlock the mortality of my soul. No no, you see I hold the answers, my Lord, I just have not received them all yet. How bizarre this must sound to you seated high upon your wealth of knowledge. Madam hopes she had not offended you, oh Lord?" I said, and added:

"No, I do not seek to rape you as others do, pulling, tugging upon your frontal lobe, squeezing and draining the essence of your magnetic aura, tearing away chunks of your intestinal bile. SHIT, hell no! I am no rapist now, Lord, although as you are aware I have allowed myself on many occasions in the past to become a victim of emotional rape. I know not much, my Lord, but surely I speak the truth by saying it would be an undignified insult to even sneak a peek from beneath the veil yet."

I broke into song:

I do not fret, I do not gallop forward from
behind my rose-tinted glasses, I wait.
Patience is my new virtue and agonising friend,
a strange abstract concept I am to learn. I am
being drip-fed a pleasant sanctimonious inner peace
in exchange for my celibacy and other twisted values.

The rancid dirt and putrid stench
which imprisoned me so long
disappears with every self-lubricating rub.
That forbidden toxic piss tasted great,
but I drank it so long it is hard
to remove the lingering taste
from my mouth. I think I should replace
it with a more favourable brand and become
a secret midnight lemonade drinker.

Within moments I awoke from this dream and scrambled out of bed only to be kicked right up the posterior. I screamed "HOLY CRAP!" For a moment I thought I had invited another into my bed and broken my celibacy, or worse I was being given a incestuous reality check. Turning around with great speed I noticed the foot I had been kicked with belonged to me! I had no need to fear.

Stupidly what I did not realise was I had not woken at all. It was a dream within a dream.

NOTE

My son and daughter entwined in the dream, but dream-I also merged with another, Madam Purr-Say.

--Purple Purple Purple

EDITOR'S NOTES

• Two mirroring parts, each with a poem: the first is optimistic about your son (realistically? Who knows? As an Aspie, I never thought I'd be as socially functional as I turned out; environment, nutrition and motivation really do matter!). The symmetry suggests the second half may mean you can bloom as unexpectedly as your son did in the first half.
• Recurring dream: most recurrent dreams are either scary or frustrating, but yours sound firmly assertive--you reject God and Devil alike (two sides of one coin?) to seek wisdom on your own.
• Who is Madam Purr-say to you? Beauty or ugliness, dependence or independence, promiscuity or celibacy, comedy or tragedy? (Not to prompt the witness or anything...) When you're entwined with her--whatever she is--you seem confident and sure.
• "Purr-Say": Besides the literal meaning--purr as in happy, say as in speak up--there's the Latin per se, "as such"--"take me as I am!" Though if you were American not British, I'd ask if you knew anyone from the Nez Percé tribe, or gotten pierced lately. Context matters!
• Kick yourself in the butt: advice perhaps, not just a joke? "You don't need others to kick you into motion--you're self-starting now."
• SIX MONTHS of this dream recurring?! That relentless repetition says more than "One day at a time"! Did the dreams start when you renounced sex, or you got seriously tempted? When you started drinkin' gin? When you over-analyzed your life? (You rant to the Dream Lord "Let mysteries unfold in their own time!") Recurrent dreams urge action on some issue! Next time it recurs, look for a trigger the day before, and try new tactics on the issue you suspect... will the dream alter in response?
• And take a poetry class or join a poetry net--somewhere you'll get readers and feedback! Mothering matters, but brain-starved mums go mad.

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