The Hero tracks the Beast into light,
But dies tragically of garlic. So
The Monster must become Hero.
"Someone has to."

The house-people, Humanists all, trick
Squirrel Girl into leaving; they disdain
Her rodent strain. Declare her nuts.
Squirrel-bigots!

Over the years, Monster-Hero becomes
Captain of the Eco-Corps.

Hero's return! In the Human Lodge, a lithe
Woman in the reception-line smiles cat-sly.
Purr and a promise in her eye.

But the Hero wed a Princess. Taken! Hood
Sees their plot and drawls "You must have
Many women now."

Caught reaching for candy, Hero longs
To snap "Someone has to." Diplomatic, he
Tells Hood--dulcetly--"Your redeeming
Light is honesty."

He stalks lodge-corridors, turning on
Lights as he passes, then off, to save.
Captain of the Eco-Corps!

But I'm not married to an Eco-Princess;
Squirrel Girl and I find a bedroom. Yes!
No. That old mad

Machine-mind, Hal from 2001, is spying
Again. Red light on. And the floor's gone
Ridgy as accordion, or larvae big as beds:
Our ship's ion propulsion jets.
We'll make Jupiter soon!

Our captain, Chirang Faa, pads in. She's
A krelkin: deerlike, but with a lovely wild
Mane and equine tail. Cunning paws
And odd foresight. She

Orders us to ream one iffy ion jet.
"Yes, Captain!" we sing, and crawl
Into the tube and hose the inner wall.
Half a billion miles and no sex yet.

Oh, Chirang always knows what must be done.
And someone has to be the hero. But I'm
Not captain of the Eco-Corps; my
Redeeming light is honesty:

I'd rather be mounting Squirrel Girl.