I dream I'm a female krelkin, a slender, clever nonhuman being with a white-pelted body, delicate hands, a long black mane and a mares' tail...

Then I dream I'm in therapy, working on my dream, IN my dream!

Rather than tell it, I draw it as a black and white cartoon. It's beautiful. I mean, I'm beautiful. Then rage wells up, and I destroy my self-image! Smear red lipstick all over my dream-body, the red meaning both the fire of rage and the inflammation of sickness.

I've written sickness on my body, and what is written will come to pass. Soon I'll fall ill from this rage.

My therapist Shelley looks at the page a while, then gets a small vial of hand cream. She smears a bit on the art. It dissolves the red lipstick; she wipes most of it off the figure, leaving just a fiery background. Traces left on my body, but now I look... salvageable!

Yet I feel almost angry about that--Shelley did it without asking me if I wanted to risk it. Could have totally destroyed the krelkin... that is, me. I'm allergic to so many solvents, you see.

But then, I was nearly certain to fall sick, if she'd done nothing. And what Shelley did paid off. Restored me!

My ingratitude shocks me. But I nearly wish she'd left me alone, defaced with red rage...

NOTES

• Red lipstick = last night I saw a TV movie on date rape. A victim who got no justice scrawled JOHN SMITH IS A RAPIST in lipstick on bathroom mirrors all over campus.
• Ingratitude = the side of me that vividly recalls old abuse resents having its rage erased like this, even if it's hurting others... like my artist side and my animal energy--my health.
• ACTION: Unsure! Obviously I must give this angry side some room for expression... Years of chronic illness from childhood trauma can't be ignored. yet I don't want it sickening me.

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